An unconditional commitment

So it was 1 year ago on February 10th that Mike had his amputation surgery.  For those of you who just happened to find this article and have not read the rest of my blog posts.. my husband had his left leg amputated above the knee due to an injury overseas.

10959597_1395662314075440_3514294228015172385_nI remember walking into the hospital with the mindset that it would be just like all of his other 7 surgeries and I would kiss him and they would wheel him off and I would wait a few hours and then I would get to see him and he would be in excruciating pain and miserable. But after each of those we thought “Ok this is going to be the surgery that fixes things and allows him to walk and be able to stand.”    But then months would go by and he would be more and more miserable and nothing would improve.

When the Dr finally said they were going to amputate and that he would have a better life… as crazy as it sounds I think we were both actually relieved.  I know I was because it was so hard to see the one person who I am used to being so strong hurting so badly.  I think Mike was ready because your body and mind can only take so much before it starts to give, and although he would never admit it out loud I know he was at that point.   So many times I would wake up in the middle of the night and look over and he was not in bed.. I knew where to find him… Sometimes I would go and other times I just knew that he needed to be alone but every time he saw sitting on the bathroom floor in so much pain he could not even move with a look that I can only describe as a cross between terror and confusion.  It was a look that you would not even wish to see on your worst enemy.  Scary, sad, and very emotional…     I would try to help, try to talk to him, but as many people know when your body is in so much pain; your brain checks out also, maybe to help you stay sane and to keep you from completely losing it, either way it is never easy to see…

So walking into that hospital on February 10th 2015; we were ready… Ready to begin a new chapter in our life.  I sat with him as they got him all prepped and ready to go and like his normal self he was goofy and joking with all the nurses.  I know he was scared as hell, but you would never have been able to tell it.  I,on the other hand, had to have been as white as a ghost and tried to smile and make small talk with him just so he would not see how terrified I really was.   They couldn’t hurry up fast enough. I knew it was going to happen so they needed to just do it and get it all done..

 

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“NO MATTER WHAT WE WOULD MAKE IT.  WE HAD BEEN THROUGH WAY WORSE”

The nurse finally came in and said it was time to go and I stood up and give him a huge hug and told him that I loved him. Not a single tear shed… STRONG I was being so STRONG!  They rolled him away and I must have just had that look or something like I was going to pass out because a nurse rushed over to me and very sweetly and gently sat me down on the chair and YEP you called it.. I lost it!!! I was NOT strong,  at that moment I felt weaker than I ever had in my entire life.  I had made it through 3 deployments with him gone to Iraq and never had I felt such a feeling of fear in my life. I was just sitting in the cold hospital, in the even colder, metal chair sobbing and sobbing.   I truly don’t know how long I was there until I finally felt like I could take a breath.  But I did…   BREATH in… BREATH out…. BREATH in again and a deep loud sighing breath out…

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I felt like my heart had broken in a million pieces… Would he be okay?   Would he ever walk again? Would he be same man I fell in love with?
The Drs told us to be prepared because our entire family was about to suffer a loss. I didn’t want to suffer anything. I didn’t want him to suffer anymore. Hadn’t our children suffered enough?  Was this the right thing to do?

I was blessed to have my dear friends with me at the hospital and Mikes parents were there also, which helped a ton. It kinda kept my mind busy, but I will admit that a time or two I had to walk away and pull myself together.  But it was soon that the Dr. called and said he was done…
WHAT???  How could it be so fast!?  What in the world am I going to say to him? Will I be able to hold it together?  Omygosh will I stare?   I had the craziest thought running through my head, but I walked slowly down the hallway and turned into the recovery area…

He was sitting up in bed; SMILING!! He was my sweet husband!  MY HUSBAND!!! He was smiling, a smile that I had not seen on his face in a very long time. Since before he was injured.  I was confused, but figured they had him on good pain meds.  I gave him a huge hug and asked how he was feeling. I will NEVER forget what he said, “Robyn, I feel better than I have in years.” It was at that very moment I felt a weight that I had been carrying on my shoulders for years and years lift away. It was truly like an Angel just picked it up and carried it off.  I cried, tears of happiness, tears that we would be a happy family again, tears for all the time that our children had missed with their dad because he could not walk, and most of all, tears because our new life was about to begin!

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He is truly the strongest and most amazing person I know, and yes I might be biased, but I do truly believe I would say that even if he wasn’t my husband. He carries a love and tenderness with him that people are just attracted to.  He unintentionally demands attention and people genuinely want to hear what he has to say. I think it’s because he cares, he would give you the shirt off his back. I mean, he did give his leg for this country ;), but never once will you hear him say anything about himself. He didn’t do it for himself, he did it for his family, his friends, and his country.

It hasn’t been an easy year but it has been worth it!  And I know that we will have many more years to come.  They might be tough, or they might be easy, but I know that we can make it through them, because LOVE is an UNCONDITIONAL commitment!

 

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2 thoughts on “An unconditional commitment

  1. I recently met Mike through the Wounded Warrior Project. He is one of the most genuine people I have met. Looking forward to pig hunting with him in the near future.

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