Finding yourself AGAIN…

So I have found myself having a mental battle with myself quite often the last few years… Yes I did say years and I know what your thinking “that’s a long time” and it is a long time.  But here is my battle…

So when Mike was in the Army I knew my role.  I was a military wife; I was SGT Burns’ wife.  I had a “title”.   And I was damn good at it if I do say so myself but now I am struggling with “who am I now?”   I am still my children’s mom and Mikes wife but I was that when he was in the Army too and I could do it all and I did.  I took care of the kids, cooked for not only my family but usually all his soldiers, took care of the house, ironed and sewed on patches, took care of the bills, all the appointments and a whole list of other stuff.  But I always had a title… “Military wife” and I was very proud of that title..  I felt as if I had earned it and it was one that not everyone can earn..

So now my dilemma comes after he gets out and yes it was very hard for him to adjust and should have been probably harder for him then me… But we aren’t talking about him.. We are talking about me the one with “no title”.   The one who still does almost everything I used to; but have no “title” now …  It might sound crazy but it’s like getting fired from a job but really only they take away your name plate and business cards and tell you that you can’t say you work there anymore but you still have to do almost all your work still.   It’s a very weird feeling and not an easy one to get used to.

I mean it’s not like I can look for another job because I still have plenty of work…For some   reason I felt content when I knew I had a “title” and now I am feeling like I lost part of myself and I don’t quite know how to get it back.  I have tried getting different hobbies but I don’t seem to stick with them (why I don’t know, I just always have a reason in my head that allows myself to believe I have more important things to do).

Sometimes I find myself wandering like a lost puppy.  My husband tells me all the time that I need to find a hobby, or that I need to go spend time with my friends; he tells me that only I can change how I am feeling and that I should allow myself to be happy and relax but I struggle with it.  It’s not like I enjoy feeling lost because trust me…. I don’t.  I just don’t quite know how to allow myself to let go and just relax and have fun and do something for myself.   I have been asked to go on several Caregiver retreats and I can’t seem to get myself to go. Possibly because then my new title might be “caregiver” or maybe I feel like I am needed at home or I am afraid that my family with survive without me because for so long I was the one who held things together.

All I know is that Mike medically retired in 2011 and I am still struggling to find my “title” again… And I pray one day I will…


2 thoughts on “Finding yourself AGAIN…

  1. Oh, that struggle with identity. It’s a doozy, isn’t it?! I think as women we bind ourselves up in what we do vs. who we are. Our busyness makes us feel productive and valued, and then when that’s gone we feel stalled. I know that I’ve had to find peace first with who I am apart from what I do…for me that means pursuing God, then trusting and believing that He loves me not because of my accomplishments, but because I’m His girl. 🙂 Visiting from the Peony Project…welcome to the blogging community!!

    Liked by 1 person

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