Hardest thing I have ever said out loud 

So I am going to just come out and say it I struggle… Struggle with depression… It started after I had our youngest son and has come and gone since then.  I really thought it was just the baby blues after I had him and my Dr put me on a medication and told me that it would help and I would feel better and things would be all good… And it was for quite a while.

It wasn’t until after my husband got out of the military and we moved into a tiny little house in the middle of a small town that it started all over again… I had never seen the house before and when we walked into it for the first time I felt a very huge weight suddenly land on my shoulders. I had been here before; not here in this house but some place exactly like it.  A trailer, a small single wide trailer. As we waked further into it I could feel my heart start racing and the tears in my eyes.  I had NO idea why I was feeling the way I was feeling.  We walked down the hall to the first opening on the right and I stopped and looked and I must have turned white as a ghost because my husband as me “are you alright?” And al I could say was “this was my bedroom”.  What was a tiny laundry area that would have fit nothing more than a twin bed was what had once been my bedroom in my younger years.  I was about 9 or 10 at the time when my mom and I lived in a place that was the exact same floor plan. Same wood paneling, same linoleum on the floors, same exact cheap faucet in the bathroom.  I had blocked this and many places of my past out of my memory for some reason but it wasn’t for a for more months that I would understand the reasons why.
The next few months I struggled and distanced myself from my family not intentionally but because this house had triggered something. My husband told me to go see a counselor so I started going and after the 2nd time seeing him I was laying in bed and just started to cry. my husbnad asked me what was wrong and I told him I had finally figured out what was wrong. He said tell me.. So I did.. and I told him everything. and this is the first time I am saying it out loud… I was raped by my moms boyfriends son and it was not just one time. It was for over a year. And it was in this house in THAT room!! I had blocked it out of my memory. My childhood was not the best but I never realized your mind was trying capable of almost erasing things.
We no longer live in that house. And athought it was an extremely difficult time I am glad I had my husband to face it with me.

I was told that saying it out loud was the most healing thing I would ever be able to do.  That it would not only help me heal but it would allow other people to know that you can continue to move on and be strong and move past things like this.  That they DO NOT define you as a person and that you can change how your future turns out if you chose to.  And this is what I chose.

Your mind is a very powerful thing. I still battle depression. Sometimes on a daily basis, many times I can go months without it rearing its ugly head.  But it will always be there I just don’t allow it to define who I am.  I define who I am!

I tried to tell my mom several times when I was younger and she never wanted to hear it and I as I got older I have tried to tell my parents but they dont want to hear it and i was told that i am just a dissapointment and I guess they figure I am now 37 with kids of my own and I should just move on. And for the most part I have. But a girl still and always will needs her parents especially her mom but when she wasnt there and hasnt been it makes it very difficult.
I am blessed to have a loving husband who has and continues to love and support me in everything.

Don’t ever give up your battles and always fight them. Find someone to talk with and know you are never alone!  Message me if you need to talk….

I will talk more about depression in my next posts so let’s get through this together 💕


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